Let's Talk About Pets Bay-Bee...

I was talking to a friend* about how much I miss my dog (well I guess he’s my parent’s dog now as I only see him twice a year), and how I wish I could bring him down to live with me in my London flat. My friend revels in explaining how ‘naïve and stupid’ I am: detailing ‘how cruel it would be’ as I’m ‘at work all the time’ and how my flat is ‘tiny and dirty and smelly and full of dead prostitutes and… ‘, I stop my friend from at this point, and tell them I understand.

This conversation got my thinking, what pet would I be able to take care of in my environment? It would have to be small, cheap and low maintenance. The obvious answer to this dilemma is a Bulbasaur, but alas I cannot find one, apparently some Ash kid took the last (According to one Asda employee).

The perfect pet for a London flat, I could fit six in my belt!

 

I assume bats don’t need much looking after, but they are so hard to catch I soon gave up. My old Tamagotchi seemed to tick all the boxes until I found out how much one of those little circular batteries cost! Instead I downloaded a Tamagotchi emulator (Hatchi) onto my phone only to return to it a few hours later to find my beautiful young blob ‘Pam’ was lying dead in her own filth. I began to despair, I craved companionship so much, until BAM! It hit me like a blue shell: SEA MONKEYS! They’re cheap, you only feed them once a week and there is a shed-load of them all in a tiny plastic tank; my prayers had been answered and soon I became the proud owner of a whole colony of baby Sea Monkeys. I felt like Brainiac must have when he put Kandor in a jar, looking down into my own pocket sized metropolis.

After two weeks of watching my little beauties multiply and grow their numbers slowly but surely seemed to fall, first it was subtle I doubted my judgement, but within a week my incredible colony of over 20 little ugly swimming mini-scorpions (because let me assure you, these little creatures were 1. Not from the sea, but actually thrived in fresh water and 2. not monkeys)...

Who ever cartoon-ised Sea Monkeys blatantly had not seen one.

...was down to two fat bloated things; I named them Optimus and Megatron (Although being honest I couldn’t tell the difference) it seemed that these particular ‘Sea Monkeys’ did not like the algae I had been feeding them, but preferred the translucent white flesh of their families. Within one more day only Megatron remained (or maybe it was Optimus) and in one more there were none left at all, my little red tank served as a watery casket for a whole generation, they knew nothing else but the inside of their invisible cage, with the face of my Grandmother (as a young lady) staring in at them.

If you look carefully you can see Optimus and Megatron frolicking.

After a mourning period of about a week I decided to have a small service, (I couldn’t invite close friends and family as all their relatives were skimming the top of the water with them) as I played a little song I’d written for them on my Ukulele I saw a stirring in the greenish water, ‘Optimus!’ (or was it Megatron? Or would his apparent ressurection make him Galvatron? So many questions) I cried with delight, but something seemed different about him, I can only describe him as less responsive than normal, dead eyed, with mouth agape he stared into space/the photo of my grandmother and I realised what I had created…

...A Z-MONKEY! An undead brine shrimp hungry for brains (and Algae), here’s an artists impression of the little freak:

'Urrrghhh need briiiiinnnneeee'

*When I say ‘friend’ I actually just mean the friendliest of the voices in my head, the others tend to whisper of murder and madness.

The Second Coming

My recent foray  into the world of paint-naming (or colour-titling as I prefer to call it) was the result of an epiphany, but this was not my first, there was another time in my life when everything changed - I remember it well…. I went to pick up my copy of Official Playstation Magazine from the local shop, cycled home, banged the demo disc in and jumped straight to the game with the coolest title… Metal Gear Solid

After wrestling with the backwards menu for about fifteen minutes (since when did Circle mean OK?) I finally started a new game.

The demo began with a jaw-dropping bed-wetting totally cliched theatrical opening movie, as a mysterious lone soldier breaks into a secret underground base, then the real fun began; well kind of, at first I just died (alot), but this was fine because every time I did there was this incredible uber-reverbed ‘Snaaaaakkkkeee’.

After realising I couldn’t just run up to a soldier and kick the crap out of him with my three move combo, I slowly adapted, I crept up and on my third attempt…

Square, (Hey look I grabbed him) Square (am I molesting him?), Square (no no I’m choking him!), Square (I’m still choking him), Square, (Snap! Holy crap, I just broke that guy’s neck)

My first moment of sheer joy!

Since that moment of pure elation I judge pretty much everything on how many neck snaps are i it, needless to say Liam Neeson's Taken is a favourite of mine.

My First Step Towards a Brighter (More Colourful) Future

To: info@duluxdesignservice.co.uk

Subject: A Hearty Thanks, and a Question...

Dear Sir/Madame

I would firstly like to thank you for creating such a splendid array of colours! I have recently used various shades of Hot Paprika (Kitchen) and Mineral Haze (Living space) to decorate my flat.

But let’s get down to business, I’m sure you’re very busy. I have recently decided that I would love to be a part of the Dulux family, and have come up with some new colour names, (and of course some accompanying colours) for next year’s catalogue.

Here are but a few examples of my work (example colours attached):

Obnoxious Cerulean (Available in 6 shades)

Throbbing Indigo (Available in 6 shades)

Achievable Lavender (Available in 8 shades!)

What do you think? I feel slightly limited by the software I have available to me (paint, internet explorer, Microsoft office home edition) but I think with the right guidance (much like Luke Skywalker) I can reach my full potential - Would it be possible for you to take me under your (X)wing?

If you would like any more information about me or examples of my work do not hesitate to get in touch.

Thank you for your time.

Yours,

Jimmy Rumble

A moment of Revelation

Having not so long ago re-decorated my flat I’ve realised my true calling in life.

My kitchen is now covered in the fiery ‘Hot Paprika 2’, my front room is a relaxing and contemplative ‘Mineral haze 4’ and the feature wall in my hallway is a passionate ‘Stallion Red 3’.

As a child I dreamt of being a Space-Cowboy, then when my friends told me Bravestar was gay I decided I’d be a lawyer; upon discovering how difficult this would be I then spent most of high school and college flipping between the ideas of being a cartoonist and a movie director... What a waste of time.

Finally over two years after graduating from university I had an epiphany, a moment of pure clarity...

I am going to name colours for Dulux.

I have spent the last two months in my bedroom (painted in none Dulux, B&Q Bargain White (matt finish) paint as not to be distracted) dreaming up a wondrous new spectrum of colours for next years Dulux catalogue here are a few personal favourites:



Banal Vermillion



Muddy Fuchsia

 

Brooding Saffron



Cumbersome Viridian



You may be asking yourself 'how can so many exquisite colours be conjoured my a mere mortal’s mind?' Well, I have devised a cunning formula:

Random Adjective

(Can be drawn from dictionary or memory)

+

Town from Pokemon

(Red, Blue or Yellow)

=

Revolutionary new Dulux colour

Using this as a blueprint I have created shade charts for each colour and will be submitting them to Dulux for approval.

By the time of my next post I assume I will be under the employment of Dulux, and unable to share any more of my ever growing palette knowledge.

'All we need is a little energon and alot of luck'

So it's been a while since my last post, in fact it's been a long while (Not much short of a year).

In the time between my last post and now many significant global events have taken place:

• Kim Jong il died.
• The Only Way is Essex was born.
• Skynet did not become self aware.
• Skyrim has wasted any spare time I've had.
• I watched Drive at the cinema
• I've forgotten how to drive.
• And I drew this... (you can see my word of the day behind it, Poppysmic - The sound of lips smacking)

This is not meant as a religous comment - but seriously, who would win in a fight? An imortal carpenter with an 'ard Dad or an acid blooded, two mouthed John Hurt impregnating Alien?

Now with such an incredible year behind us (the human race) what posibly can you (the 6 followers this blog has) expect from 'It Really Tied the Room Together' this year?

Here is a summary of just some of the wonderful things yet to come:

• At least twice as many posts as 2011 (so that's at least four!)
• A glimpse of the greatest superhero of our generation
• According to John Cusack and the Mayans, the end of the world AKA Armageddon(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120591/).

You're excited right? Of course you are! - So in the face of economic melt-down let's all enjoy 2012, in the words of a Optimus Prime 'All we need is a little energon and alot of luck'



Who Will Win in the Age Long Battle of...

This year I will be making some important changes to my life...

"Holy Shower-Peep-Hole Batman!"

That's right through a super secret spyhole in the batcave I managed to get this artist's impression of  Bruce Wain shaving his pits (I guess to stop chaffage when using his grappling hook etc.) but the weird thing is he showers in a cowel!

I didnt have a camera with me as I was naked and holding something else at the time, so I thought the best thing to do was to cartoon what I saw and submit it to the papers, so far there has been no interest in the story.

Also I am a little worried as when I scarpered from the scene I think I triggered some kind of alarm, after which I heard a soapy Batman exclaiming something like 'I will hunt you down and end you, pervert!', but what's he going to do? I made the whole thing up, well not Batman, but the whole shower thing. I did it for the money, I know it was wrong, sorry. Anyway I'd better get back to fabricating lies to post on the internet.

Ooodles of Doodles...

News Flash!

I have successfully combined the two best things in the universe, I have made the most incredible match up since the Amalgam Comics classic 'Dark Claw'

Here it is the Zedi: (yup you guessed it! half zombie-half Jedi)

'These are not the brains your looking for'

That's right kids, an undead Jedi knight hungry for Jar Jar Binks' brain juice, to punish him for ruining the greatest film series of all time.

The Blue Prints

So as promised to my massive fanbase (tumbleweed slowly blows past, also uninterested) here are the blueprints for the aforementioned 'Greatest Invention Ever'

Best Bit:"He was lame...now he's cool" Worst bit: Blueprints are grey

As you can see it's really coming together now, and I doubt it will be long before the money starts rolling in.

I wont bore you with the science of it, but lets just say 'the world as we know it is going to change!'
(by world I mean my blog, and by change I mean get a few more posts.)

Forget public transport, exercise and long distance relationships, the future's here and it's in greyscale!

The greatest invention EVER!!!!!!!

I have devised perhaps the most awesomely awesome invention ever conceived.

Not only does it solve the world's fuel consumption and therefor pollution problems, but also tackles raising levels of obesity and my life's lack-of-awesomeness....

...Ladies and Gentlemen I bring you, the 'Tele-Fit 5000'

(huge applause from the whole world)

So in short this device teleports you to another Tele-Fit device anywhere in the world, burning only calories on the way. So as to keep it safe they are stored in the back of restaurants so you can munch up some glorious calories only to burn them in an instant on the way to your next eatery and ultimately your destination. It's going to revolutionise transport, empty roads freeing up land for more housing, make fat people thin, make lame people cool, it's going to fix everything!

Although only in the imaginary test phases, I have imagined it working very well, only yesterday imagining using it to go to the shops and back for a twix and burning 168 calories in the process (but then I imagined I felt guilty because the twix had about 250 calories in it).

I will guide you through every stage of the Tele-fit 5000's development from imagining, to doodling, to giving up, to forgetting about it, to having someone else make it years down the line (but giving it a better name), to filing a court case against them, to losing the court case (and in the process custody of my children), to becoming a drunk, to attempting suicide every night but being too cowardly to pull the trigger, to realising the dead prostitute on the floor has been there for 5 month's and I've been gnawing on here swollen knee's for sustenance, to realising it's not a prostitute but my neighbor's cat that I've been paying for sex, to paying the dead cat for sex.

Meat and Two Veg Episode 3: Jurrasic Pork

Meat and Two Veg Episode 2: Bless You

To give this context Meat (the protagonist) is hated by his peers Carrot and Broccoli. It's a shame because Meat's a nice guy and tries really hard.

Dave's list (continued)

Stop the press people, that's right I found another page in the sketch book, it was nestled under a picture of Earth Worm Jim:

(I have one big eye and one little eye, just like my earthworm counterpart)

Any-who, the list continues:

Dave is...

• meeting his girlfriend 12 years his junior at the airport (they met 'online').
• wearing a watch capable of telling the time 1000m below sea level.
• a little bit racist.
• pretty bad in bed (i guess).
• smelling surprisingly good today, especially for a man of his figure.
• a 'geezer!'
• making me look more intelligent and handsome by staying close by.
• earning less than the national average, but still lots more than me.
• not good at difficult things.
• a shaven ape.
• more annoying with time.
• still here!
• not able to read books without pictures.
• not modest.
• a bit too 'touchy-feely' for my liking.
• using the adjective 'bonkers' too much. (once is too much)
• not as young as he thinks.
• sporting a 'short back and sides', and encompasses everything I hate about getting a hair cut.
• repeating what someone else's opinions.
• totally unaware I'm writing this list.
• also totally unaware that in his presence I have plotted his death 6 times (with only my firm grip of morality and conscience stopping me (and the fact that I'm a sissy)).
• under the impression his 'friends' call him 'Big' Dave because he's tall, not fat.
• snoring on the plane.
• wearing a 'witty' t-shirt.
• still on my mind months after seeing him.
• my nemesis.

Why are Daves so 'Davey'

I spent a weekend in Turkey with a guy called Dave;  soon I realised that he was like every other Dave I'd met (not 'David's, just 'Dave's), like 'uncle Dave', 'Dave from down the road', 'Dave, you know the new guy'.

So during the time I was with him I compiled his (and his Dave brethren's) habits and sayings into a list in the back of a sketch book, it read as follows:

Dave is...

• touching my belongings again.
• the kind of guys who's favorite Alien movie is AVP2.
• wishing he could see U2 before he dies.
• wearing a terrible shirt .
• blissfully unaware that the people he is insulting on the plane speak english.
• not the kind of guy to appreciate 'modern art'.
• happy to promote unflattering British stereotypes to the Turkish populace.
• getting on my nerves.
• deep down a very nice (if insecure) guy.
• the kind of guy who keeps one headphone in at a funeral and mouths the words to Beegee's classic 'staying alive'.
• under the impression the Beegee's have 'classics'.
• a man who 'loves his food', and expresses this thorough flatulence.
• proud of 'that crap' he had this morning, and insists on telling me about it over breakfast.
• wearing a terrible shirt (again?! how many does he have?).
• so 'tough' he has to be gay.
• 'not into that gay thing'.
• rocking the socks and sandals look.
• good at nothing but tries hard.
• convinced all men are like him.
• (contrary to his own beliefs) not god's gift to women.
• sure he is 'too tough' for karate lesson.
• afraid of discussing his true feelings.
• not afraid to fart in a lift.
• making decisions which are not his to make.
• not going to do anything about his incredible amount of back hair.
• not washing his hands. 
• convinced football matters.
• never going to have a book (or blog) written about him.
• a state of mind.
• mocked behind his back by a coward on the internet.