The greatest invention EVER!!!!!!!

I have devised perhaps the most awesomely awesome invention ever conceived.

Not only does it solve the world's fuel consumption and therefor pollution problems, but also tackles raising levels of obesity and my life's lack-of-awesomeness....

...Ladies and Gentlemen I bring you, the 'Tele-Fit 5000'

(huge applause from the whole world)

So in short this device teleports you to another Tele-Fit device anywhere in the world, burning only calories on the way. So as to keep it safe they are stored in the back of restaurants so you can munch up some glorious calories only to burn them in an instant on the way to your next eatery and ultimately your destination. It's going to revolutionise transport, empty roads freeing up land for more housing, make fat people thin, make lame people cool, it's going to fix everything!

Although only in the imaginary test phases, I have imagined it working very well, only yesterday imagining using it to go to the shops and back for a twix and burning 168 calories in the process (but then I imagined I felt guilty because the twix had about 250 calories in it).

I will guide you through every stage of the Tele-fit 5000's development from imagining, to doodling, to giving up, to forgetting about it, to having someone else make it years down the line (but giving it a better name), to filing a court case against them, to losing the court case (and in the process custody of my children), to becoming a drunk, to attempting suicide every night but being too cowardly to pull the trigger, to realising the dead prostitute on the floor has been there for 5 month's and I've been gnawing on here swollen knee's for sustenance, to realising it's not a prostitute but my neighbor's cat that I've been paying for sex, to paying the dead cat for sex.

Meat and Two Veg Episode 3: Jurrasic Pork

Meat and Two Veg Episode 2: Bless You

To give this context Meat (the protagonist) is hated by his peers Carrot and Broccoli. It's a shame because Meat's a nice guy and tries really hard.

Dave's list (continued)

Stop the press people, that's right I found another page in the sketch book, it was nestled under a picture of Earth Worm Jim:

(I have one big eye and one little eye, just like my earthworm counterpart)

Any-who, the list continues:

Dave is...

• meeting his girlfriend 12 years his junior at the airport (they met 'online').
• wearing a watch capable of telling the time 1000m below sea level.
• a little bit racist.
• pretty bad in bed (i guess).
• smelling surprisingly good today, especially for a man of his figure.
• a 'geezer!'
• making me look more intelligent and handsome by staying close by.
• earning less than the national average, but still lots more than me.
• not good at difficult things.
• a shaven ape.
• more annoying with time.
• still here!
• not able to read books without pictures.
• not modest.
• a bit too 'touchy-feely' for my liking.
• using the adjective 'bonkers' too much. (once is too much)
• not as young as he thinks.
• sporting a 'short back and sides', and encompasses everything I hate about getting a hair cut.
• repeating what someone else's opinions.
• totally unaware I'm writing this list.
• also totally unaware that in his presence I have plotted his death 6 times (with only my firm grip of morality and conscience stopping me (and the fact that I'm a sissy)).
• under the impression his 'friends' call him 'Big' Dave because he's tall, not fat.
• snoring on the plane.
• wearing a 'witty' t-shirt.
• still on my mind months after seeing him.
• my nemesis.

Why are Daves so 'Davey'

I spent a weekend in Turkey with a guy called Dave;  soon I realised that he was like every other Dave I'd met (not 'David's, just 'Dave's), like 'uncle Dave', 'Dave from down the road', 'Dave, you know the new guy'.

So during the time I was with him I compiled his (and his Dave brethren's) habits and sayings into a list in the back of a sketch book, it read as follows:

Dave is...

• touching my belongings again.
• the kind of guys who's favorite Alien movie is AVP2.
• wishing he could see U2 before he dies.
• wearing a terrible shirt .
• blissfully unaware that the people he is insulting on the plane speak english.
• not the kind of guy to appreciate 'modern art'.
• happy to promote unflattering British stereotypes to the Turkish populace.
• getting on my nerves.
• deep down a very nice (if insecure) guy.
• the kind of guy who keeps one headphone in at a funeral and mouths the words to Beegee's classic 'staying alive'.
• under the impression the Beegee's have 'classics'.
• a man who 'loves his food', and expresses this thorough flatulence.
• proud of 'that crap' he had this morning, and insists on telling me about it over breakfast.
• wearing a terrible shirt (again?! how many does he have?).
• so 'tough' he has to be gay.
• 'not into that gay thing'.
• rocking the socks and sandals look.
• good at nothing but tries hard.
• convinced all men are like him.
• (contrary to his own beliefs) not god's gift to women.
• sure he is 'too tough' for karate lesson.
• afraid of discussing his true feelings.
• not afraid to fart in a lift.
• making decisions which are not his to make.
• not going to do anything about his incredible amount of back hair.
• not washing his hands. 
• convinced football matters.
• never going to have a book (or blog) written about him.
• a state of mind.
• mocked behind his back by a coward on the internet.